OK, so last night was girls night out :) The Comedy Catch in Chattanooga sent me 8 free tickets to go see Henry Cho perform. Let me tell you HE WAS AWESOME :D Very funny, would certainly go see him again soon!
Thanks to all my girlyz who came and celebrated my birthday with me! Thanks for all the wonderful gifts too :)
Just for the record, my birthday isn't until the 10th. But this was the best night for us all to get together, so it worked :)
Anyway, after the show, Jan, Carol, and I went to the Awful Waffle and hung out for a while. Always lots of laughs when Carol is around. That girl is quicker than most comedians when you get her going. I'll be glad when she gets her break on stage :)
After Jan left Carol and I got to talking and found we have a few unexpected things in common. Part of our pasts cross at different points. lol That was certainly an interesting conversation not to be broadcasted over the general internet :) However, it did lead to a really great blast from the past. I got to speak with someone who I honestly didn't think REALLY knew I existed. Oh, yea, he's on my facebook, but well, that's a different story.
It's amazing how each person remembers things completely different than the other people involved. You get this vision of yourself and you develop opinions about what others see you as, and well, its a "knock in the head" :P when you find out that you were completely wrong. I'm finding myself looking back on a very strange period in my life and realizing that maybe it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it was. Not quite so strange, maybe. We all go through warps in reality from time to time as we try to find ourselves. I look back and am thankful for what I went through during that time, because, honestly, it helped me to make the decisions I made later on. I knew what I wanted when it was time. I may not have known all along, but when it really mattered, I knew. I didn't have to guess. I didn't have to play any more games, or feel desperate or needy. I knew what I wanted and I got it. Not many people can say that. Of course, not many people get the chance to be as uncharacteristic as I did. The funny thing is, I did this twice in my life. Once when I was a senior in high school (no, I wasn't the goody goody everyone thought I was) and then once again after leaving the druggie I was with for 7 years.
I went wild, I had fun. I did things that I never thought I would ever do. NO I wasn't a drug addict or an alcoholic. I still didnt smoke. Good gods if I ever were to get hooked on something like that the world would be in certain trouble. I get high on life, and that's the only high I need LOL
But more than that, during these times I was very desperate. I needed something. I was looking for something. I have no clue really what, but I was clinging to the idea of someone to love. someone to love me. I didn't go about it in the right way. I had no clue. I developed strong crushes at the first sign of affection. I was so used to being "unloveable" that I latched on to that first hint, that first possibility.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for pity here or anything like that. I'm not sure what Im looking for except maybe a way to sort this all out. During both periods in my life, I developed an infatuation with unavailable men. I'm not sure why or if I even knew it at the time, honestly. But in some form or fashion they were all unavailable. As I look back on it now, it doesnt make any more sense, but it is more clearly explained.
I recieved an apology from that blast from the past last night. This meant a lot to me, because, seriously, I really felt like I had meant nothing to any of these people over the years. I'm not going to say I regret what happened, or blame any of them, because I don't. I wasn't someone that could have been dealt with rationally anyway, so it was completely acceptable for things to turn out the way they did.
Honestly, I thank everyone that I was involved with at these times. They have made it possible for me to be in a wonderful, loving, passionate relationship with my soulmate and never wonder "what if". Many women I know right now cannot say that. Even if they don't doubt their loves, they still can't say that they had every possibility to be with someone else. They don't necessarily know that there isn't another soul out there for them. I do. When I first realized my husband was my soulmate it was like a breath of fresh air. When I realized that all those things I had been through really didnt matter anymore, I felt like a weight was lifted off of me and I was free to be who I really wanted to be, no matter what.
I love my husband with all my heart and soul and he loves me. I trust him and he trusts me. I don't have to worry where he is, and he knows where I am. He holds my heart and I hold his. Without him, I would not be whole.
I feel my world is changing and I am so thankful to have people in my life who are ready to change with me, for better or worse. My husband has a quote for his tagline of his email:
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting... WOW, what a ride!"--author unknown.
This is quickly becoming my philosophy. I can feel the adventure starting to heat up, starting to quicken the pace. I'm not sure I'm ready for it, but with my love and my friends by my side I will be able to handle it all!
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